Directed by McG
Starring Reese Witherspoon, Chris Pine, Tom Hardy
Running Time 98 Minutes, Rated PG-13
1 Mitch out of 5
Mitch Hansch/ movieswithmitch.com
Charlie’s Angels, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, We Are Marshall, Terminator Salvation, these a few of my least favorite things, and behind every one of them is uber bad director McG. McG is a poor man’s Michael Bay, bringing the same amount nutritional film artistry only with the lack of box office success. I checked Box Office Mojo, his latest film, and his worst to date, cost $65 million to make. Oh my goodness, how does he still get money to make movies! “This Means War” is so awful; a romantic action comedy that brings zero romance, unremarkable action, and zero laughs.
This is bad film, a special bad film, the kind you have ready to go in your drunken bad movie party nights. There’s a point in the film, about half way, when I stopped being infuriated about how horrible this film was and just relaxed into a comatose state by it’s futility, only to get to a Hulk level of anger by it’s pass it’s expiration date cherry on the top horrible ending. Sadly, there are two very talented young actors, Chris Pine and Tom Hardy, who get sucked in by the gravitational pull that is McG’s talentless black hole. Fading female star Reese Witherspoon will also look back at this film with a flinching hurting pain for years to come.
Pine and Hardy respectively play FDR and Tuck, best friend CIA Special Agents who have a bond that can’t be broken. That is until they both unwittingly fall for the same gal, a workaholic (and not in the good way) by the name of Lauren (Reese Witherspoon). Somehow we’re to believe the tight fitted beautiful Lauren can’t find a man, and when they both present themselves, she decides to date both until she can come to a decision. Life guidance comes from her best friend, Trish, played by the absolutely lost Chelsea Handler. Trish is the movie female side-kick who has the fat husband, is an alcoholic, and is obsessed with her single friend’s sex life that we’ve seen a billion times before, and Handler’s ready made Razzie performance is one of the worst you’ll come across.
Pine and Hardy have as much bro-chemistry (zero), as Witherspoon has with either of them. The script is junior high school play legitimate. If I decided to write a spy genre script and didn’t do any research on the subject, I’d still come off like I knew more than the four collective screenwriters did here. A bonehead subplot of a generic European gangster out for revenge against the two spies is as thin as Witherspoon’s waistline.
It’s impossible to root or be happy for any outcome except for the end credits. At one point when Lauren finds out the two have known they were both seeing her, she leaves in offended disgust, only how is that possible since she didn’t tell either of them that she was seeing the other as well. The action plays just as bad, as McG’s set pieces are so horribly rapid-fire edited, I suggest that anyone with epilepsy or prone to seizures not watch this film. Of course I don’t recommend anyone to see “This Means War” or they’ll be prone to at least a headache.
Of course I don’t recommend anyone to see “this” or they’ll be prone to at least a headache.