5= MITCHTSTERPIECE- a rare special film
4.5- Oscar winning material
4= MITCHNIFFICENT- a must see in the theatre
3.5- Theater recommended
3= MITCHERRIFIC- just good enough to pay for
2.5- Close but no cigar
2= MITCHERABLE- don't waste your time
1.5- So bad it's bad
1= MITCHTROCIOUS- just say no
.5- I hate this film
ZERO MITCH's = MITCHASTROPHE- reserved for "The Last Airbender"
Winner- Gold Award (Top Honor)
Winner- Sexiest Male Blogger
2014 SXSW COVERAGE
As a good Christian I can't ask you how you'd like to kill Taylor Lautner, so lets just say how would get 'rid' of the acting equivalent to poop if you had the chance?
5) Wish him away with my only wish. Suck it world peace.4) Convince an angry dolphin that Lautner is a shark and attack!3) Go back in time and take out his mother. Judgement day is very real.2) With a kiss- a kiss of death.1) From a gay vampire.
Doesn't matter which one as long as it's one.
5)Put him and the other d bag from the Twilight movies into a locked room so they would make out to death.4)Convince him that his abs aren't developed enough and hope he would die because his ego couldn't take the hit.3)Wait until he turned into a werewolf and feed him poisoned beef jerky.2)Throw him to the masses of prepubescent girls who think "Edward's the best!" and let them tear him to shreds.1)A gun.
Quick note. Not a real gun either. Just a prop gun. I would give it to him and tell him that he should do another action flick so the whole world could see his full range, and hopefully he'll make "Abduction 2." After so many plugs for that film I would think some creeper who's got a predilection for teeny bop boys might "abduct" him...and Justin Bieber too.
1. Tragic bowflex accident2. acute toxicity from teeth whitening chemicals3. Succumb to the elements due to never wearing a shirt4. murdered by crazed Team Edward twihards5. 15 minutes of fame tick away and he is forced to make a Logan's Runlike 'euthanasia or fight to the death' decision.
kudos to anyone who makes a Logan's Run reference on my site!
5)Make people watch the movies he made before TWILIGHT(like SHARKBOY & LAVAGIRL and CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2).4)Call a were-wolf version of THE GHOSTBUSTERS.3)Make him read or watch the biographies of former child stars and say "Any of this can happen to you".2)Send him to live with wolves so he can see what it's really like.1)Pop his abs with a needle.
@Jason:ABDUCTION 2 is in the making.It's been since before the 1st one came out!
(Sigh) Why am I not surprised?
I only have 1:
Have him star in a crappy, boring predictable action movie where he can show how horrible his acting skills really are just in case everyone hasn't seen twilight. We'll call it abduction... wait...
5) Put him in a crunch contest with Patrick Bateman from “American Psycho.” He was up to 1000 crunches last time we saw him, and he’d probably outdo Taylor. Taylor would then get so sad he’d probably just die. If not, Patrick Bateman could just hack him up with an ax while listening to Huey Lewis. 4) Convince Kanye West that he’s actually Taylor Swift. Next time Lautner wins something stupid for best abs or best sandwich or something on the MTV Movie Awards, maybe Kanye will up the ante and just kill what he thinks is Taylor Swift to help out Beyonce. Everyone knows Kanye’s a Muther Truckin’ Monster!3) Send him back in time in a Delorean, and have him save his father from getting hit with his future father-in-law’s car. Because he’s so heroic, Lautner would instead get hit by the car, and his parents would never fall in love, and thus he’d never be born. It’s probably the simplest solution to getting rid of him.2) Shoot him with a gun, preferably in the head or chest. Bullets are his only weakness. 1) Since he’s half canine, I’d put some poison peanut butter on my…wait, that’s not my Taylor Lautner murder plot, that’s my Taylor Lautner fantasy!
You sick bastard Jesse. Perfect!
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